3:05 a.m., somewhere in Montana: Wild-eyed, Holman refuses to relinquish the driver seat, mumbling something about being at one with the Hummer. He follows with an announcement that he'd like to scrape windshield bug splatter off and have it analyzed. Brubaker tries to recall the suicide hotline number.
North Dakota: When our guides...
North Dakota: When our guides almost rolled their Jeep over onto its side, we began to get nervous.
10:44 a.m., Arby's parking lot, Williston, North Dakota: Swimming in the nausea of sleep deprivation, we've nonetheless rallied to meet up with Pat Helgeson and some members of the Cliffhangers 4WD Club out of Williston (701/859-2882). In addition to Helgeson and his heavily modified '76 CJ-7, our group included Shane and Bonnie Farstveet (Cliffhanger Vice President and Secretary, respectively) in their '89 Wrangler, Justin Ferrell in his '85 Chevy pickup, and Dave Shroyer in his CJ-7. Our plan is to enter private land that the Cliffhangers have access to and 'wheel about a mile and a half on easy trails to a spectacular overlook that offers the same killer views of the Missouri River and surrounding country that Lewis and Clark had. We've allotted one hour for this adventure, not only because we're semi-coherent, but because we have to be in Bismarck by nightfall to get back on schedule.
1:15 p.m., still on the trail: This is the longest 1.5 miles on the planet. Not only is it the longest, it's also the most diverse. In the past 2 hours and 31 minutes, we've fought for every inch of forward progress through dense trees, black mud, and undulating terrain. We're pretty sure that our hosts are trying to lose us in the backcountry as they effortlessly pick their way through the terrain in their heavily modified rigs. Meanwhile, we're trying not to scratch or break our Hummer. Our hosts are amused at this goal. We are losing our anti-scratch/breakage battle as we get deeper into the North Dakota backcountry. In an effort to honor a previously agreed-upon truce, Brubaker does not comment on Holman's driving and Holman does not comment on Brubaker's lack of ability to walk through the woods without falling down. The mosquitoes are as thick as rain.
North Dakota: Holman ponders...
North Dakota: Holman ponders the logistics of a tight 90-degree left-hand turn. See all those white dots? They're mosquitoes.
2:05 p.m., end of trail, finally:Our meticulously planned schedule is toast; the H2's rear bumper cover is semi-mangled; and we've been gang-bit by North Dakota mosquitoes. We thank the Cliffhangers for this awesome experience and run for our lives with a new respect for the state of North Dakota.
3:00 p.m., somewhere in North Dakota: As Holman and Brubaker make up for lost time, they amuse themselves by creating the Four Wheeler gang sign while listening to old-school rap on XM satellite radio.
4:45 p.m., Bismarck KOA Campground, Bismarck, North Dakota:Shortly after arriving, Holman mutters something about needing to check e-mail and absconds with his laptop, leaving Brubaker to set up camp. Brubaker considers this an act of aggression. The Holman-Brubaker truce is shattered.
5:15 p.m., campsite, Bismarck KOA Campground: Brubaker counters Holman's defection by canceling the planned seven-course gourmet meal and replacing it with stew from a can. This is not warmly received (no pun intended) by Holman. Juvenile name-calling ensues.
1:45 a.m., laundry room, Bismarck KOA Campground: Almost finished uploading two days' worth of blogs to fourwheeler.com while eating popcorn and drinking chocolate milk. Holman and Brubaker both wonder why they ever agreed to this trip.
Holman wasn't impressed with...
Holman wasn't impressed with Brubaker's campsite cooking.
8:50 a.m., still at the KOA Campground: Holman has disappeared to take a shower, leaving Brubaker to break and pack camp. Brubaker vents his frustration by formulating a plan to take all of Holman's clothes and towels from the shower building while Holman is showering. Brubaker quickly realizes that this is a bad idea that could potentially scar many innocent campers because Holman will not hesitate to walk naked from shower building to camp. Plan is scrapped.
1:00 p.m., somewhere in eastern North Dakota: Holman lets loose with a monster sneeze. Once the air clears, the dashboard looks like someone sneezed while eating a banana. This is our first indication that Holman is allergic to the Midwest.
4:50 p.m., Spider Lake ORV area, Pine River, Minnesota: If it weren't for the assistance of Mike Sullivan of the Minnesota Go-4's 4WD Club and Minnesota 'wheeler Lois Campbell, we would probably have never found our way to the cool Spider Lake ORV area (www.dnr.state.mn.us/ohv/spider_lake/index.html). This area is 12 miles west of Pine River on County Road 2, and it offers more than 11 miles of easy off-highway trails that wind deep into the beautiful Foot Hills National Forest. It's open for exploration from April 1 to November 30, and it does require a permit. It's a relaxing, low-key place to explore, and it's tailor-made for stock four-wheel-drive vehicles. It offers a glimpse into the Minnesota forest that you won't get from the paved road. We'd recommend avoiding the area like the plague during mosquito season if you have an open-topped vehicle or one without air conditioning, however.
10:05 p.m., St. Paul KOA Campground, St. Paul, Minnesota: We arrive just as the gates were being locked for the evening. Odometer says we've logged 3,321 miles so far.