Crapbox Competition The Jp Way
Hazel plays his cards close to his vest. Cappa and Trasborg were completely in the dark about what this contest would hold until literally seconds before the first event began. In hindsight, they should've known that the Sh!%box Derby would be more about having fun than actual competition. After all, Sun Tzo wrote in The Art of War, "If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself." And what sh!%box pilot isn't familiar with Tzo? If knowing nothing of Hazel's nature didn't tip them off, they should've caught a whiff of something in the air when he told Trasborg he'd get extra points if he showed up with a bale of hay and overalls. Cappa chose to forgo the Fonzie jacket and hair grease that he was asked to bring, but at least he got the mechanics overalls and handcuffs. But more on that later.
Yep, the Sh!%box Derby is history and the winner is the guy who not only brought the biggest sh!%box, but embraced the spirit of owning and operating a sh!%box-including all of the trappings that title holds. You can't expect to keep a sh!%box nice, or have it be reliable, or not get beat on in the name of reckless fun. Since an event like this really translates better on the big screen, we employed the help of our Web Producer extraordinaire Jason Gonderman to shoot tons of video of our shenanigans. And to keep us unencumbered while we played the clown, our ace Art Director Alan Huber headed out with camera in hand to expertly capture the action. Gonderman and Huber shot plenty of coverage, so be sure to check jpmagazine.com for the video and additional photos and coverage. Will we do it again next year? Should we do it again next year? We dunno. What do you think? With that said, enjoy Jp magazine's Sh!%box Derby.
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1 The 40-Yard "Drag" Race
Setup: Sh!%boxes break down frequently, and off ramps and intersections are dangerous places. As a sh!%box pilot, you'd better be skilled at getting your non-moving junk off the road in a big hurry. At the drop of the hat, "drivers" must push/pull/yank/or otherwise move their vehicle 50 yards using nothing but their feet and arms.
What Happened: Hazel lined the vehicles up and then read the event description, at which point Cappa busted out laughing and said, "I totally didn't see that one coming." The tone for the event was set. Trasborg seemed like the underdog, because after debating (mostly to himself out loud the night before) whether or not he should air down his tires, he went and dropped his pressure. The low air pressure, coupled with his rig being the heaviest, gave hope to Hazel, who stood little chance of beating Cappa in his superlight flattie. At the word "Go," Cappa was off like a shot, while Trasborg's big ol' Clydesdale legs got his rig rolling in short order. The drum brakes on Hazel's Comman D'oh didn't release at first, and Trasborg was a full half-car length ahead of him and moving fast before Hazel even got rolling. In the end, Cappa won it by at least two car lengths. Hazel began closing the distance, but Trasborg's bulldog tenacity didn't let up and he grunted out a very solid Second Place.
Winner: Cappa - 10-points
2nd Place: Trasborg - 5 points
Loser: Hazel - 0 points
2 Donuts: Not Just for Breakfast
Setup: A rite of passage for any sh!%box driver, the donut, much like the mullet, is part art and part party. The winner is the driver able to complete the most complete donuts in 30 seconds.
What Happened: Hazel let Cappa go first so his tires wouldn't catch a rut from one of the heavier vehicles, causing his flattie to flip, catch fire, and kill the boss. Hmm, on second thought. Cappa tried in earnest and the little L-head engine was giving it a real go, but the horrendous turning circle of the closed-knuckle Dana 25 did him in. He was only able to muster four complete donuts in the allotted time.
Hazel lined up next and gunned the V-8 in the peg-legged Comman D'oh. He should've taken a cue from Trasborg and welded up the diff, because the inside tire was screaming for mercy. A bit of throttle modulation kept the vehicle speed up and when the Comman D'oh emerged from the dust storm, it had completed five donuts.
Trasborg was last and as he pitched his sway bar-less MJ into its first turn we were all worried he was gonna go straight over onto his roof. That is, until the sound of a hog getting slowly lowered onto a radial saw greeted our ears. To his credit, once Trasborg gained control of the body lean he kept the Comanche at full steering lock, completing four donuts and sending his power steering pump off to Valhalla.
Winner: Hazel - 10 points
2nd Place (tie): Cappa/Trasborg - 2.5 points each