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Scary Times For Jeep - Dr. Vern

Posted in Features on August 1, 2009
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These are scary times. In light of the following current events, is there any reason we shouldn't all just hide in our private bunkers and cut off all contact with the outside world?

1) The parent company of Jeep has augured into bankruptcy.

2) The economy is a freefall with no end in sight.

3) The media is incessantly reminding us how Mother Nature is mortally wounded.

4) Creed is reuniting to record a new CD.

To escape these overwhelming circumstances, what's a guy to do? There's no point denying any of these things are true. Take global warming for example. I grew up (Editor's note: "was raised" might be a better choice of words) in one of the "from" states, with 10 months of winter per year. As a small child, I vividly remember snowbanks that were over my head. As an adult, I've come to my senses and now reside in a "to" state, where the weather isn't nearly so frigid. Anytime I visit my childhood home, those snowbanks barely reach my waist now. Thanks to this observation, we can safely prove that global warming is real. I read about it on the Internet, too, so I know it's true.

With this and other pressures building on us, how about going for a Jeep ride to unwind? This has always worked for me in the past, but now I've been told to feel guilty about that, too. There is nonstop doom and gloom about how burning fossil fuels is causing all sorts of irreparable damage to our planet. It's a lot more fun to drive my Jeep instead of pushing it, so it's time to perfect a clean, renewable energy source. I've got a solution up my sleeve, and this promises to be huge. The change in the country's overall energy situation will be revolutionary, even surpassing the installation of energy-efficient light bulbs at chez Gore.

Before the naysayers ridicule me, I'll fess up that some past ideas of mine didn't pan out too well. There are already means to make use of such things as solar, wind, and geothermal energy sources, so I had to be creative. What other previously untapped energy source could be put to good use? One of my favorite activities is to take my Jeep far into the wilderness, and when a trail reaches a dead-end, I'd strap on my backpack and head out on foot. I noticed that when I returned to my Jeep, even though I would stop hiking, my undies didn't. Alas, no matter how I tried to harness this unexplainable force, it was no use. Although it would seem otherwise, there just wasn't enough useable energy present to make it worthwhile.

Sadly, that energy-harnessing idea had to be abandoned, but I've finally found something else that is far more practical and widespread. If I can put this unlimited source to practical use, I'll be a hero. Let me 'splain. I have a house chock full of teenagers. What is the one thing that teenagers always have? The answer is not dorky parents, thank you very much. No, teenagers never lack drama. That's why I've been burning the midnight oil (biofuel, of course, organically grown by a carbon-neutral company) to perfect my latest invention: The Teenage Drama Generator, or TDG for short.

I've got a few technological hurdles that still need to be addressed, but the TDG concept is sound. Needing only a teenager within reasonable distance, my machine will tap into the ever-present brainwaves. Don't bother trying to tell me that teenagers don't think. It may seem that way, but they actually do have incredible levels of brain activity, but it's mainly devoted to finding new and exciting ways to turn minor events into major catastrophes. Thanks to the strength of this power source, I envision a machine compact enough to easily replace any internal combustion engine. Once I make the swap, I'll have a scorcher of a powerplant under the hood of my Jeep.

I'll have to use this energy as it is created, as there'd be no practical way to store it in a vehicle. To generate enough power to merge onto the freeway, I'd only have to say something like, "No, you may not use the flamethrower in the house, and I'm done discussing it." The TDG will kick into action, much like a jet engine on afterburner. Got a steep trail to negotiate? Just say, "I don't care who will be there, you may not go to the party!" Need extra power to get through a mud bog? Try, "No, you may not get that pierced!"

Back to our dire circumstances today, I've no idea if I can perfect the TDG and bring it to market in such a tough investment climate. With the economy already in the dumps, you might find yourself destitute by the time this issue hits the newsstands. Looking at the magazine in your hands, you might think how nice it would be to have a warm dinner again. Even though a magazine will make a nice little fire, be careful because it's easy to scorch cat food. Before you write to the editor to complain, remember there's no point letting cat food go to waste if you already had to eat the cat the previous week.

Back to the TDG and its many benefits, there is one potential drawback: It requires teenagers. There will come a day when I'll have to swap my Jeep's original engine back in place after my fridge-emptying horde has graduated into the world of adulthood and moved out. I had been concerned they'd be content to stay at home forever, but I no longer have to worry about that. After they reach the age of majority and shouldn't stay at home any longer, I'm breaking out my secret weapon. It's two words that will strike fear in the heart of anybody: Fishnet bathrobe. I'll make sure I have the TDG ready to capture their reaction on the way out the door.

Dr. Vern

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