Getting bored of driving your Jeep down the road? Finding off-roading to be mundane and usual? Here are a few activities you can try with your best friend: your Jeep (it’s a car, loser)! Please note: Some of these activities are stupid and may cause injury, death, mayhem, and destruction. We are not responsible for you, your Jeep, or innocent bystanders.
1. Take Your Dirty Jeep to a Car Show and Encourage Touching
Are you a car nut as well as a Jeep nut? Well we are, and damn it we are tired of having our patina’d, scratched, dented, and dirty rigs scoffed at by shiny, cloth-diaper-wielding car show snobs. Well, we herewith encourage you to take your Jeep to any and all unofficial car shows you’d like to (the official car shows may want an entrance fee better spent on Jeep parts). Just don’t park your Jeep too close to someone’s expensive, pampered hot rod, or it may fall apart, and you might get stabbed. We also hate those snotty “look but don’t touch” placards posted on some show cars. Since no one is gonna mess up our paint more than we will, we encourage touching Piggy the Pig Truck at the car show down the road. We actually found another Jeep to park next to! Thanks Pat, it was nice meeting you!
2. Remote-Control Your Jeep
If the economy has you really down, there is a way to get into Jeeping at a fraction of the cost of even a rust-bucket, half-built, pile of a Jeep. OK, it’s not quite the same, but there are commercially available 1⁄10-scale Lexan bodies that one-hell-of-a-lot look like miniature versions of your favorite TJ, JK, XJ, and even MJ. All you need is an RC rockcrawler (like one from Tamiya, Axial, or HPI), some electronics (a radio, speed control, a steering servo, battery, and charger), and one of these scale bodies of your choice. Paint it up just like your 1:1 Jeep (or the Jeep you used to own before the economy went belly up) and have a ball. You can now wheel your backyard, local hiking trail, or creek with impunity for less than $300. Caution: It can get expensive if you have to have all the hot little miniature gizmos, billet beadlocks, and scale tires. But hey, if you roll it, all you need is the old 10½ to right it; no harm, no foul. Or, if you’re smarter than we are, figure out how to remote-control your real Jeep…and send us video!
3. Zombie Apocalypse-ize/Road Warrior-ize Your Jeep
Yeah, neither you nor we know exactly when that comet is going to pass within a few miles of earth and cause the dead to rise in search of fresh brains, but it’s inevitable, folks—so you’d better get ready. Some stockpile guns, ammo, or learn Inuit-frozen-street-fighting in preparation. We suggest sharpening spikes for your Jeep’s wheels, using expanded metal to make wire screens to protect the glass, and fabricating hood-mounted gun mounts and rooftop portholes for easy blasting of those neuron-craving, undead psychos. You know you need to prep for this. If it all turns out to be a false alarm, don’t be sad; everyone loves Road Warrior-themed vehicles.
4. Bolt Prius Parts to Your Jeep’s Bumper
Back in the ’00s, all the lowly editorial staff of Jp lived on the hard streets of Los Angeles. The commute to the office on Wilshire Blvd. was long and arduous for most of us. During this time we developed a plan to keep those punk-ass California drivers with expensive, bank-owned punk cars from changing lanes into our braking space. Simply buy a slightly beat-up front fender from a BMW and use some sheetmetal screws to attach it to your front bumper. Now snobby L.A. guy will think twice before pulling out in front of a vehicle that clearly rams Bavarian Manure Wagons for sport. Don’t like Priuses? Need we spell out the formula again?
5. Jeep Planter/Lawn Ornament
We 100 percent guarantee your neighbors are gonna love this one! Honestly, if you are a real Jeep freak, then you should know by now that your neighbors think you are certifiably insane. So why not poke at their wounds by building a Jeep-themed planter for the front yard? Even if the HOA sends you a nasty letter, if you time it carefully you can recycle your planter as parts for one of your projects before they start fining you. Here we used part of a Rio Grande edition YJ for a planter. Have a beat-up, old, flattie tub? Fill it with soil and plant some begonias…whatever they are.
6. Jeep Garbage Disposal
Got an old couch that needs to be broken up in order to get it in your garbage can? You too can own a perfectly useful Jeep-based garbage disposal unit for only three easy payments of $29.99. First, you must own a Jeep and have a subscription to Jp magazine. Next, send your three easy payments of $29.99 to Verne Simons, 831 S. Douglas St., El Segundo, CA. Last, use your Jeep’s tires to crush said old furniture to oblivion. Disclaimer: Jp magazine is not responsible for tire damage caused by using your Jeep as a garbage disposal unit or idiots who actually send Verne money.
7. Live Out of Your Jeep for a Week
We’ve done it, and you should. too! It’s fun, although it can get fairly stinky toward week’s end. Bring a tent and a cooler and take a road trip somewhere cool. Gas is too costly, you say? Save a few bucks by staying in campgrounds and campsites in national parks. Trust us, there is no better way to bond with your Jeep than living out of it. Hell, you can use this time to hone your intake manifold cuisine (number 12 in this story). Still not sold on the idea? Route your trip to hit famous off-road trails and areas along the way and wheel in your mini-mobile-house Jeep. There are lots of camping areas near Moab…just sayin’.
8. Jeep Wall Art
We know Picasso, Donatello, Raphael, and the other Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were pretty good at keeping the mean streets clear of punks and thugs and other scum. Apparently, they were also pretty good with the paint brush. That’s nice, and while we may be deranged, we think Jeeps and Jeep parts are as beautiful as the Mona Lisa. So hey, why not hang Jeep parts on the wall of your house? Your non-Jeep obsessed family members will love it, we swear. If the part is damaged, just call it abstract Jeep art. Remember to tie a sweater around your neck, rub your chin with your index finger and thumb, and use words like: existential, expressionist, cubist, purdy, and so on as you admire your new art.
9. Build a Jeep Barbecue
Editor Hazel and Associate Editor Trasborg often mock new, young, handsome, and bright-eyed Feature Editor Simons for wanting to spell grille without that pesky silent “e” at the end when writing about the front of a Jeep. Well here’s why: Feature Editor Simons is obsessed with bbq’d animal flesh as well as Jeeps. So to seek his revenge, Simons has come up with (or borrowed, really) the idea of turning an M38A1 grille to a barbecue grill. Take that, evil editorial oppressors! You too can build a Jeep grille grill and yours will probably be nicer than ours, but hey, we have to put a magazine together here, folks! We have stuff to do…like hang a Jeep tailgate on the wall. Safety note: It turns out fire can burn you. Be careful.
10. Beer, er, Soda Bottle Opener/Jp Drinking Game
If you like drinking beer…er soda with your buddies, either in your garage or out camping (after the last trail ride), please think about playing the patented Jp magazine drinking game. It’s easy! You need a fair amount of beer or soda in bottles. Now look for an area of your Jeep where you can pry the cap off. If you find a spot (like the rearview side mirror bracket on a flattie), you win! Enjoy your beer…er soda while bench racing with your buddies. When that beverage is gone, look for another spot where you can open your next cerveza. You get a point and a new beer every time you find a new spot. Can’t find a new spot? That’s fine, just use someone else’s. You still win (although no point for you)! Pretty quickly you’ll learn all the spots on your Jeep that can be used to pop a top. As the game continues, you can keep a running tally of points until it does not really matter who is winning. Just be careful! It’s possible to break the lip off the bottle. And just in case you did not know this, broken glass can cut you, causing severe injury and/or death—even when you are drunk. If you cut your lip or intestines on broken glass, you lose the game. Waaamp Waaawawawa! Nothing says loser like an unplanned, late-night trip to the ER.
11. Make Some Weird Bumper Stickers for Your Jeep
The interweb is an amazing place filled with wonder, misinformation, lots of porn, and amazing ways to spend your hard-earned dollar. You can also find any number of online sites that will cheaply print stickers for you. Suggestions include: “Used Jeep = budget side-by-side,” “Jeep, not just for breakfast anymore,” “I left my wife for this Jeep,” “My wife left me ’cause of this Jeep,” “Jeepin’ for life,” or “Piggy the Pig Truck Rules!” You get the idea.
12. Cook a Fancy Dinner on the Engine
In our opinion, Chef Gordon Ramsey usually sounds like a three-year-old in mid-meltdown. Not the way an adult should behave, but hey, he has made a mint out of acting like a spoiled little brat. Anyway, we digress. If you like eating and Jeeping, you have probably heard of manifold burritos. They are a great way to have a hot lunch when out on the trails. Why not cook a T-bone and potatoes au gratin on your intake? You may have to pre-cook stuff (unless you like your meat and potatoes really rare), season and wrap it securely in aluminum foil, check for fuel leaks, and find a spot for it to sit on your intake. We find that an hour or so is about perfect for heating up lunch. Try steamed broccoli by adding some salt, pepper, a little H20, and some butter. Then wrap in aluminum and eat! Your buddies will drool when you tuck into a T-bone halfway up Sledge Hammer.
13. Prank Your Buddies’ Jeeps
Yep, this is another Jp original; we are the inventors of playing pranks on buddies while out on the trail. Don’t believe us? Check the Googlewebs. See, it says right there, we are “the” prank originators. Want a good prank? Try bringing a length of wire to connect one of your buddies’ turn signal leads to the horn when his back is turned. Every time she jumps in her Jeep to go to the store, the horn honks when she turns left. How’d that happen? There are other versions of this, like hooking up a high beam lead to the horn, windshield wiper to the horn, etc. This can get as intricate as you make it. It’s much easier and almost as much fun to make up some embarrassing bumper stickers (see idea number 11) or buy some at your favorite stab-n-grab convenience store and stick them on your pal’s Jeep when he is watering the trail-side flora.
Eight Quick Suggestions for Unusual Jeep Activities
Jeep Storage Unit
You probably already do this—we do! If your Jeep project has screeched to a halt, start piling on the boxes! You know you need the space.
Redneck Jeep Lounge
Buy a couch and put it in the bed. Go to your favorite car show/tailgaiting venue and hang out. You know everyone is jealous.
Jeep Chalkboard/Write on your Jeep
Paint your Jeep with chalkboard paint and buy some chalk, or pick up some paint pens, dry erase markers, or Sharpies.
Let Kids Play in Your Jeep
Put the parking brake on, chock the wheels, and let the neighbor kids play Jeep in your Jeep (stay close, they may know how to release a parking brake!).
Hook up your PTO and get to farmin’. Your Jeep’s ancestors were originally marketed to civilians as a tractor that could also be driven to dinner.
Buy a Seep, paint it pastel, add a water ski rack, and head to the lake.
It’s not just for rednecks and hillbillys, anymore! Find a rock in your yard you can assault with your Jeep or flex it out in the ditch. Are you proud of yourself? Your mother is.
Got a Jeep with a winch? Use it to move rocks and/or brush around your yard.